Animals live in the immediacy of every moment. They are incapable, due to their inability to think or reason, of self-deceit. You and I, on the other hand, have used our ability to think and reason to create scenarios-of-protection: rationale that we conjure up to protect ourselves from hurt.
And I would know this how? Oh, girlfriends, I am the Queen of Self-Deceit. And I’m such a know it all that I won’t permit anyone else to tell me what they see. No, I have to suffer through my mistakes until I give myself permission to finally see the truth.
I have been processing a doosey for nearly a month here, and I believe that I’m about the peel the wrappings off a substantial truth, so as part of my processing, I’ll share it with you because it is part and parcel of the reason behind why I remain obese.
I’m not at all sure when this happened, but behind the scenes in my one sweet life, behind the pretty, talented, intelligent me, there lurked a deep hidden doubt - the doubt that I am good. I don’t know when it started. I’m not sure why I’ve always felt that way. I just know it is my own, personal Linus blanket and it goes with me wherever I go.
Using it, I have kept myself from wealth. I have kept myself from health - although to a lesser degree in this category. I have kept myself from happiness. How have I done this? I have - in my own mind - made myself excluded. Due to my concept of not being good enough, I have made myself take a step backwards in so many situations they are uncountable. I have been permitting me to see myself doing this for some weeks now. I watch me observe a situation, and then I see the old tape click on and that drone of a voice that says “But not you, honey…..”
I don’t want to tolerate this any more. I’ve had enough. I want to pull the plug out and I want to let myself enjoy all that I’m supposed to do. This one sweet life is supposed to be about health, wealth and happiness and I want my full share. I want satisfaction and enjoyment, and I’m in the process of letting more in.