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As Old as the Abuse

When I offered a survey to discover what you most wanted to hear about from me, I got a wealth of ideas and today’s title is one of those.  Thank you to the anonymous donor.

Have I experienced emotional abuse?  You betcha!  I think the most horrifying aspect of the abuse I experienced is that it came from someone very close, someone who purported to love me.  My experiences with this never-to-be-named individual went across dozens of years.  As an adult, I probed to understand the “why” of the abuse, and, right along with my suspicions, my abuser said that yes, the abuse had been intentional. Intentional! I was shocked, dismayed and crushed by this one.

What did the abuse you experienced do to you?  Did it leave you feeling vulnerable? Angry? Hurt? Puzzled? Surprised or astonished?

I carried my sense of being abused from my childhood right into my corporate career.  There, I was put down, invalidated, kept at a low salary level.  For me, those are all levels of emotional abuse. Did you experience this too?

Dear readers, after almost 50 years of this kind of experience, a light went on in my mind!  I had one of those Aha! moments that’s talked about.  I kept asking myself “Why this?  Why that?” and one day, it came to me in a blinding flash:

I was emotionally destroyed, distraught, and in angst about my treatment because…

I was TOO GOOD to act like this myself.

MY standards for all that is good were too high for them!

I fully rejoiced when that light went on.  Because of the emotional abuse, because of the corporate manipulation, and because I work like the devil at gaining an understanding in my life about Life and about My Self, I had discovered my own GOODNESS. Woo Hoo!  Now trust me, this was a cause celebre. Well, it sure was inside my mind!

And this is how I discovered that the vulnerability I have seen in a lot of large women due to what they think is society’s judgment for their size, is not that.  It is the lack of recognition of their own goodness.  Print this out.  Wrap yourself up in an afghan with a nice cup of tea and think about how true this is for you.  Honey girl, you are SO GOOD; you are goodness itself!  Rejoice.

There’s more of my story in my book “My Cats Have Seen Me Naked” and you can purchase it here.

Love,

Pat

Hiero Matson

I get a great deal of inspiration about my own life from observing the pure soul of my grandson, Hieronymous Matson.  That’s his daddy, Thad, in the picture. Grandparenthood is a wonderful prize.  It allows you to review and reflect on your parenting experience, and refine what you accomplished with far less stress and much more love.

Little Hiero only knows “hungry, wet, and smile” these days.  He knows nothing about “size.” He recognizes faces and his response sure does make my heart smile when I get one. Each of us was once that innocent. There is not supposed to be misery in childhood.  If there was in your childhood, I am truly sorry.

But think for a moment about the state of innocence.  If  you had only been loved AS IS, if only  you had been accepted AS IS, you would not be kvetching about your fine self today.  You wouldn’t be tugging at your blouse.  You wouldn’t be wondering if people will judge you for what you choose to eat.  You wouldn’t wish you could look a particular way because then you’d be okay.

Hiero knows he’s okay right now.  He’s a well-cared-for, happy baby.  You can take yourself to the well-cared-for, happy state right now by loving and accepting yourself AS IS.  It’s just one decision away.

Resolve to be thyself: and know, that he who finds himself, loses his misery.

~ Matthew Arnold

Are you receiving In-Sights, our ezine?  They contain tons of inspiration.  You can sign up here.

Always lovin’ you.

Pat

Yesterday, we talked about the story of dating deception originating in Nigeria, asking for money - natch! - which I so cleverly side-stepped due to astuteness and watching with my mouth shut until that rascally man hung himself with his own lying words. If you missed it, click here.

Today, after I encouraged Percy about the wisdom of NOT sitting on my wrist as I’m typing, I want to tell you the story of Mikey.  Last week, I met who seemed to be a wonderful guy.  He lived a bit of a driving distance, but he said all the right words.  I’ll share a few of them for you.

“I just love big, voluptuous women.”

“You seem so intelligent and articulate.”

I asked him then, what it was he found so attractive about Large Women and his reply went along these lines:

“Why do you ask?  What an unusual question.”  So I said that in my experience there ARE some men who truly do love Large Women and then there are some men who exploit their vulnerability, and he responded:

“I do understand your skepticism and I’m sure it’s well founded.  You don’t appear to be either needy or vulnerable.  Instead you seem to be very confident and self-assured….an emotional and sexual turn on.”

Have we had any further communication? No, and I don’t think we will because I have a strong sense (I’d really like to be wrong about this because he seemed like such a nice fellow) that I flushed another fox out of the hen house. Three days without any contact have passed.  You know, there was a time when that would have bothered me and I would have retreated into rejection.  Now, having gone up and down this road a time or two, I’m willing to let it be what it is, be grateful for my understanding, and recognize that I just prevented me from deception. And I am not abandoning me!

BTW, I do believe in the words of Charley Strong that there is a lid for every pot and I’ll find mine.

With love in my heart, I hope my story helps you sidestep this kind of individual too. You can learn these skills at The World of Within. I’d love to help you get inside you and love you.

Love,

Pat