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As Old as the Abuse

When I offered a survey to discover what you most wanted to hear about from me, I got a wealth of ideas and today’s title is one of those.  Thank you to the anonymous donor.

Have I experienced emotional abuse?  You betcha!  I think the most horrifying aspect of the abuse I experienced is that it came from someone very close, someone who purported to love me.  My experiences with this never-to-be-named individual went across dozens of years.  As an adult, I probed to understand the “why” of the abuse, and, right along with my suspicions, my abuser said that yes, the abuse had been intentional. Intentional! I was shocked, dismayed and crushed by this one.

What did the abuse you experienced do to you?  Did it leave you feeling vulnerable? Angry? Hurt? Puzzled? Surprised or astonished?

I carried my sense of being abused from my childhood right into my corporate career.  There, I was put down, invalidated, kept at a low salary level.  For me, those are all levels of emotional abuse. Did you experience this too?

Dear readers, after almost 50 years of this kind of experience, a light went on in my mind!  I had one of those Aha! moments that’s talked about.  I kept asking myself “Why this?  Why that?” and one day, it came to me in a blinding flash:

I was emotionally destroyed, distraught, and in angst about my treatment because…

I was TOO GOOD to act like this myself.

MY standards for all that is good were too high for them!

I fully rejoiced when that light went on.  Because of the emotional abuse, because of the corporate manipulation, and because I work like the devil at gaining an understanding in my life about Life and about My Self, I had discovered my own GOODNESS. Woo Hoo!  Now trust me, this was a cause celebre. Well, it sure was inside my mind!

And this is how I discovered that the vulnerability I have seen in a lot of large women due to what they think is society’s judgment for their size, is not that.  It is the lack of recognition of their own goodness.  Print this out.  Wrap yourself up in an afghan with a nice cup of tea and think about how true this is for you.  Honey girl, you are SO GOOD; you are goodness itself!  Rejoice.

There’s more of my story in my book “My Cats Have Seen Me Naked” and you can purchase it here.

Love,

Pat