Hello. Happy you stopped by. You won’t miss one juicy tidbit if you sign up for updates in the box on your right. Don’t forget, it all starts with “My Cats Have Seen Me Naked” – a permanent healing message for you who struggle with bodily image.

Calif. Lake

It’s been raining here much of today and yesterday, and outside, it looks as clear as Convict Lake, above. Such beauty!  I have a deep sense of gratitude for where I live on days like this, and no, I don’t live near Convict Lake.  I live in Running Springs, CA.

You and I have survived to one degree or another all of the issues of our childhood.  When I began to write my book, I had first thought of naming it “I Forgive Me For My Childhood.”  It seemed that all the issued I had dealt with were consuming my life at that time. I have a philosophical attitude that we live the first half of our lives asleep, and we live the second half of our lives figuring out what we were supposed to learn during the first half.  At least, that’s what my life has been like.

One of my therapists ( I keep going back to get help whenever I discover another pocket that needs emptying) told me that over 70% of obese women suffer from issues of abuse.  I am one of that 70%.  What I experienced is detailed in my book, so I won’t chew my cabbage twice here. Let me say this: obesity is an incredibly intelligent wrapping which I formed as a layer of protection to save me from things too terrible to consider, to horrendous to live through.  And yet, didn’t I live through them? Didn’t you? Do you have the courage unfolded now to get some help looking at what happened to you?

I had formed a concept that I was too strong for all the stuff coming at me; that I would survive regardless of how much hurt I suffered; and that there was a better way for myself.  I ended up discovering the actual Truth about Life because I was obese and this is the best payback of all. So, on a gorgeous day like today, I have a lot to look back on and be grateful for.  How about you?

Love you,

Pat

As Old as the Abuse

When I offered a survey to discover what you most wanted to hear about from me, I got a wealth of ideas and today’s title is one of those.  Thank you to the anonymous donor.

Have I experienced emotional abuse?  You betcha!  I think the most horrifying aspect of the abuse I experienced is that it came from someone very close, someone who purported to love me.  My experiences with this never-to-be-named individual went across dozens of years.  As an adult, I probed to understand the “why” of the abuse, and, right along with my suspicions, my abuser said that yes, the abuse had been intentional. Intentional! I was shocked, dismayed and crushed by this one.

What did the abuse you experienced do to you?  Did it leave you feeling vulnerable? Angry? Hurt? Puzzled? Surprised or astonished?

I carried my sense of being abused from my childhood right into my corporate career.  There, I was put down, invalidated, kept at a low salary level.  For me, those are all levels of emotional abuse. Did you experience this too?

Dear readers, after almost 50 years of this kind of experience, a light went on in my mind!  I had one of those Aha! moments that’s talked about.  I kept asking myself “Why this?  Why that?” and one day, it came to me in a blinding flash:

I was emotionally destroyed, distraught, and in angst about my treatment because…

I was TOO GOOD to act like this myself.

MY standards for all that is good were too high for them!

I fully rejoiced when that light went on.  Because of the emotional abuse, because of the corporate manipulation, and because I work like the devil at gaining an understanding in my life about Life and about My Self, I had discovered my own GOODNESS. Woo Hoo!  Now trust me, this was a cause celebre. Well, it sure was inside my mind!

And this is how I discovered that the vulnerability I have seen in a lot of large women due to what they think is society’s judgment for their size, is not that.  It is the lack of recognition of their own goodness.  Print this out.  Wrap yourself up in an afghan with a nice cup of tea and think about how true this is for you.  Honey girl, you are SO GOOD; you are goodness itself!  Rejoice.

There’s more of my story in my book “My Cats Have Seen Me Naked” and you can purchase it here.

Love,

Pat

Yesterday, we talked about the story of dating deception originating in Nigeria, asking for money - natch! - which I so cleverly side-stepped due to astuteness and watching with my mouth shut until that rascally man hung himself with his own lying words. If you missed it, click here.

Today, after I encouraged Percy about the wisdom of NOT sitting on my wrist as I’m typing, I want to tell you the story of Mikey.  Last week, I met who seemed to be a wonderful guy.  He lived a bit of a driving distance, but he said all the right words.  I’ll share a few of them for you.

“I just love big, voluptuous women.”

“You seem so intelligent and articulate.”

I asked him then, what it was he found so attractive about Large Women and his reply went along these lines:

“Why do you ask?  What an unusual question.”  So I said that in my experience there ARE some men who truly do love Large Women and then there are some men who exploit their vulnerability, and he responded:

“I do understand your skepticism and I’m sure it’s well founded.  You don’t appear to be either needy or vulnerable.  Instead you seem to be very confident and self-assured….an emotional and sexual turn on.”

Have we had any further communication? No, and I don’t think we will because I have a strong sense (I’d really like to be wrong about this because he seemed like such a nice fellow) that I flushed another fox out of the hen house. Three days without any contact have passed.  You know, there was a time when that would have bothered me and I would have retreated into rejection.  Now, having gone up and down this road a time or two, I’m willing to let it be what it is, be grateful for my understanding, and recognize that I just prevented me from deception. And I am not abandoning me!

BTW, I do believe in the words of Charley Strong that there is a lid for every pot and I’ll find mine.

With love in my heart, I hope my story helps you sidestep this kind of individual too. You can learn these skills at The World of Within. I’d love to help you get inside you and love you.

Love,

Pat